............................

my life is torned, shredded, shattered into smithereens..
I'm miserable, I'm stuck, I'm hopeless..
i have so many fucking troubles.. and i cant believe i did that in front of ym,xin and joel.. zzz.. i dint want my that side to anyone ever since that time.. i really cannot tolerate anymore..
oh great now, i'm talking to myself...
no one can help me.. nothing is useful anymore..
they want obedience.
but they are getting too far!..
they hate me..
they restrict me..
they scold me..
they find every single fault on me out..
they find me a burden..
they wanna throw me away..
then why dont they just kill me or sell me away instead?..
or if i just die one day.. will they be celebrating or continue life as per normal but happier?
will that be better for them?...
i dont deserve anything..
i feel so sinful..
i kill ants
i flare my temper at anyone i feel like flaring..
i fight with my parents.
i steal
i lie
i smoke
i did something illegal repetitively.
i drink.
i tried suiciding.
i torture myself..
....
i tried so hard.. so hard to tolerate everything..
she made me rebellious..
she made me do things i dont want to do.
forced me put medicine when it was clearly getting worse instead of better..
forced me to eat stuff that i detest most..
scolded all my friends..
she just take anything to hit me when she is angry..
she wants me to feel miserable.
she hates me..
... i have always put it out of my mind thinking its nothing..
she had always been like that a few more time wouldn't matter..
but i never guess i would have broke down cause of it and in that venue some more..
i have always laughed and smile and listened to everyone's stuff and never thought about myself.. i didn't think.. no.. i didn't wanted to think..
i feel so miserable.. i just cant seem to reveal any of these things out to anyone..
after i post this, all my friends will see this..
and i dont want any attention.. im just venting my frustration..
of course posting here is for people to see..
thats the point of a blog..
this is my down period..
i'm going downhill..
all the way and i crashed..
nobody saw me..
nobody is there to save me..
am i going to give up just like that?..
i'm a coward.. a bloody coward..
i've been avoiding everything..
just brushing everything by and think things are fine..
nothings gonna be wrong.. and this is my outcome..
looking at the bright side.
it had just caused me to become so miserable.
hopeless. lousy. crappy....
wouldn't being pessimistic much much more better?..
i dont wanna be so miserable like i am in the past anymore.
theres someone who loves me, friends who makes me happy and wont betray me.
and why does everything seems so wrong when everything is going to perfectly????
i'm miserable..very miserable.. i hate this feeling...
i wanna be happy, i wanna be free. i dont wanna be sad and lonely.
i love band! music is my passion, i dont wanna quit band..
i dont wanna change school.. i want to stay the same where i am..
this feeling is hurting me.. can i just simply go die?..
i'm sorry, but this feeling is just pushing me over my limit already..
i so fucking hate myself..
i suck i suck i suck i suck.
feel like just take a knife and just kill myself......

are you happy now?!
if you knew english and read this..
would this make you happy?!
go and happily fuck yourself..