Memories of the past is forever the past, how much you year for it it will never be back nor be the same. thats reality. theres no such thing as a perfect person, cause even the world aint perfect, ya? Mysteries of life, what is INSIDE the bermuda triangle?.. do GHOST REALLY exists?.. is there another planet just LIKE US?.. is there really such a thing called ALIENS? how BIG is the outer space?..Lots of unanswered questions..
hmm, i'm =.= abit blur.. dint know why i typed that but i know i'm burning..
steads crush BGR.. all this i'm curious. do it really feel so good when you are in a relationship? why do everyone want 'stead'? and why everytime one person like another will = must stead or else give up..? i dont understand.. i'm newb. hahaha! but for all i know i'm either liking him or crushing him (: cause love is only used if you are in a relationship the boy or girl (: but i use love cause it sounds nicer xD.. i'm inspired~! =.= but nothing for me to do.. + i'm having headache ++ i'm tired..
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MUST
KAMPATTE NEHz
me go pig liaooo
oyasumii mina-san~~ (:
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
As from today, the updating of this blog may cease as i type my stories in another one of my blog. and pardon me as i am not going to reveal the link (: but i will update if i feel like it so as not to kill this blog. (:
Monday, September 18, 2006
the tears of a scarred life.
darkness creeping into me,
invading my whole body,
erasing all the light and hope in me..
the overwhelming pleasure of death fills my mind.
the hope to be found in here alone is not in my mind,
i just want to slowly rot to death in this lonely, cold place.
i'm too soft.. i'ma softie!! ahhh!! well, i'ma girl =.=.. i hate being a girl, i want to be a boy. its better.. ): gahh whatever.. the person who i am is because of the choices i make.. i shouldn't be so petty.. i shouldn't be so open..their opinions on me is changing
tears from a scarred life is never endingly SWEET!
SATAN LOVES ME!! (:
XUANLE
SHANNELLORAUWOX.
Today : PESSIMISTIC + TIRED = SUPER MOODY
invading my whole body,
erasing all the light and hope in me..
the overwhelming pleasure of death fills my mind.
the hope to be found in here alone is not in my mind,
i just want to slowly rot to death in this lonely, cold place.
i'm too soft.. i'ma softie!! ahhh!! well, i'ma girl =.=.. i hate being a girl, i want to be a boy. its better.. ): gahh whatever.. the person who i am is because of the choices i make.. i shouldn't be so petty.. i shouldn't be so open..their opinions on me is changing
tears from a scarred life is never endingly SWEET!
SATAN LOVES ME!! (:
XUANLE
SHANNELLORAUWOX.
Today : PESSIMISTIC + TIRED = SUPER MOODY
Sunday, September 17, 2006
i vowed not to care anymore..
i dont want to care anymore, you, i dont give a fucking care. the feeling of neglected i have felt before, you dont have to show me anymore.. the feeling of loneliness, i too have felt it before already, you dont have to show me that feeling again. you said you are scare i might think that way, why dont you just tell me? i told you everything right? then why must you hide things from me? so i wont care anymore..
aiya enought of my complains, lets talk about today.. =D
today, i did 1% of studying only leh, so wasted.. and tomorrow still going out somemore.. hais, then i lazy say out today, i only know i today VERY moody.. temper very bad, sorry if i offending anyone.. \= i think thats about all.. (;
yea.. thats all..
XUANLE
SHANNELLORAUWOX.
Today : MOODY ):
aiya enought of my complains, lets talk about today.. =D
today, i did 1% of studying only leh, so wasted.. and tomorrow still going out somemore.. hais, then i lazy say out today, i only know i today VERY moody.. temper very bad, sorry if i offending anyone.. \= i think thats about all.. (;
yea.. thats all..
XUANLE
SHANNELLORAUWOX.
Today : MOODY ):
Saturday, September 16, 2006
14 september
Aiming for the sky, landing on the earth.
Aiming for the best, landed on the average.
Aiming for the world, landed on a house.
Aiming for the COE, landed on a manager.
Aiming for perfection, got few mistakes.
Conclusion : aim high so when you fall you wont fall all the way down (:
hmm, that was really something random that i typed. =.='' pardon me. d=
okay lets get down to today! yeah....*dying voices*
today, went to school (duh~) then first lesson was maths. Wow, today was one of my most enthuastic day ever? i took notes all the way, trying hard not to miss anything and, WOW? i understand them all! WOW! but soon my enthu-ness was destroyed by mr ong's absence and mdm ma crappy class of anime! wtf~! so back to maths, then so-so. then proceded down for physical education(PE), did warm ups. soon went to the basket ball court to play games, i did not participate in any so i did even break a sweat, haha. then it was recess, then go buy lots of things to go up eat. then after that go parade square. what the fuck? mr ong never come? anyway, why do teacher always skip school when the exams are coming? for example the noblest of all teachers, Mdm Teresa De Silva, got the award for skipping school for a total of 5 days in a row. then it was mother tongue, anime class! lol.. tell us create a anime character or write lyrics and stuff.. .OF course i would choose anime, my chinese handwriting SUCKS and i have been drawing anime for quite sometimes. dd= but i dont want my picture to be up on the notice board, i just want to finish my work. lol. then after school go meeting then talk talk talk, mr er come then talk talk talk. dont want type in detail cause me abit tired already. then try jackets. And he din talk to me NOR EVEN look at me )))'= destroyed my whole day )=. then me go out with lili+howsun+debra+xinyi+me-joel-yaoming. why minus yaoming and joel? cause they follow us to bus stop but never go with us.. )= then go kopitiam eat, then go poplular buy assesment, then go debra house study. then after reaching debra house, we studied abit then we chat chat chat, watch spirited away then go home. then me continuing doing work.. then now here typing. EH FUck i am supposed to be with my DAR DAR!! Mike..= to my maths assesment book. (= after this i going back accompany wo de dar dar awhile then go accompany my turtle ,tricxia. then next morning. continue accompany the rest of my other dar dars and dear dears. xD see i so popular, everyone book me alreadyyy!! dd= okay lah.. i just gonna list down some things then go off already.
FIRST mission : complete dating with mike
SECOND mission : complete buying gifts for samuel and maybe ericston
THIRD mission : after buying gifts for them complete dating them!! asap[doubt got time]
FOURTH mission : complete ericston coin collection buy going around to find them. (=
P.S. the meaning is different from the real mean = its not really meaning dating or stuffs. haha.
XUANLE
SHANNELLORUAWOX.
TODAY : NERD :D
Aiming for the best, landed on the average.
Aiming for the world, landed on a house.
Aiming for the COE, landed on a manager.
Aiming for perfection, got few mistakes.
Conclusion : aim high so when you fall you wont fall all the way down (:
hmm, that was really something random that i typed. =.='' pardon me. d=
okay lets get down to today! yeah....*dying voices*
today, went to school (duh~) then first lesson was maths. Wow, today was one of my most enthuastic day ever? i took notes all the way, trying hard not to miss anything and, WOW? i understand them all! WOW! but soon my enthu-ness was destroyed by mr ong's absence and mdm ma crappy class of anime! wtf~! so back to maths, then so-so. then proceded down for physical education(PE), did warm ups. soon went to the basket ball court to play games, i did not participate in any so i did even break a sweat, haha. then it was recess, then go buy lots of things to go up eat. then after that go parade square. what the fuck? mr ong never come? anyway, why do teacher always skip school when the exams are coming? for example the noblest of all teachers, Mdm Teresa De Silva, got the award for skipping school for a total of 5 days in a row. then it was mother tongue, anime class! lol.. tell us create a anime character or write lyrics and stuff.. .OF course i would choose anime, my chinese handwriting SUCKS and i have been drawing anime for quite sometimes. dd= but i dont want my picture to be up on the notice board, i just want to finish my work. lol. then after school go meeting then talk talk talk, mr er come then talk talk talk. dont want type in detail cause me abit tired already. then try jackets. And he din talk to me NOR EVEN look at me )))'= destroyed my whole day )=. then me go out with lili+howsun+debra+xinyi+me-joel-yaoming. why minus yaoming and joel? cause they follow us to bus stop but never go with us.. )= then go kopitiam eat, then go poplular buy assesment, then go debra house study. then after reaching debra house, we studied abit then we chat chat chat, watch spirited away then go home. then me continuing doing work.. then now here typing. EH FUck i am supposed to be with my DAR DAR!! Mike..= to my maths assesment book. (= after this i going back accompany wo de dar dar awhile then go accompany my turtle ,tricxia. then next morning. continue accompany the rest of my other dar dars and dear dears. xD see i so popular, everyone book me alreadyyy!! dd= okay lah.. i just gonna list down some things then go off already.
FIRST mission : complete dating with mike
SECOND mission : complete buying gifts for samuel and maybe ericston
THIRD mission : after buying gifts for them complete dating them!! asap[doubt got time]
FOURTH mission : complete ericston coin collection buy going around to find them. (=
P.S. the meaning is different from the real mean = its not really meaning dating or stuffs. haha.
XUANLE
SHANNELLORUAWOX.
TODAY : NERD :D
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
lonely life..
This is a complain from me ahaha..[[i knew this would happen, i had saw that coming. Haha, its human nature, right? To favour the ones you like better, and better till neglecting the rest and dont realise it. i know we were good friends. Your attitude towards me have changed, i doubt you have yet to realise it, but it has change till it made me dont want to care anymore.. The feeling is making feel very very tired. You have pointed out lots of times and hinted me lots of times how important she was to you, but i dint care much till yesterday. And your attitude changed, so is mine, my attitude has become cold and unfriendly. Pardon me if find me offensive, but thats just me. I hate to have the feeling of being used, and you have made me felt that feeling. Last time you were a Major part of my life and welcoming you with open arms, and now i'm using all my might to push you out of my life. Not in the sense of forgetting you or what but its just changing the way i see you and treat you. I know this sound stupid but i think alot and i am petty! understand that! ]]
PLEASE after you see that message above don't come after me to ask. "heyy! you talking about me arr??" Damn, its annoying. If you think its you its you if you think its not its not. Who cares anyway?! i'm just voicing my opinion out..
*______________*______________*______________*______________*
I am missing you each and every day! why? whY? wHY? I want you to talk to me more and notice me more i know i'm asking for alot but i'm just a simple school girl that have a liking for you. Is it not natural to ask for so much? And anyway, i, myself, know all the things i wished for wont actually happen. Just looking at you, i can straight turn pink. Look at me, i'm not smiling? i am a girl, ya know? i blush too, i'm not brave like other girls that can easily talk to the people that they are attracted to. I dont know how you feel about me, i am not you. i dont know how boys will react, i am not a boy. The hopes that i have is slowly shattering away...
XUANLE
SHANNELLORAUWOX.
Today: Pessimistic
PLEASE after you see that message above don't come after me to ask. "heyy! you talking about me arr??" Damn, its annoying. If you think its you its you if you think its not its not. Who cares anyway?! i'm just voicing my opinion out..
*______________*______________*______________*______________*
I am missing you each and every day! why? whY? wHY? I want you to talk to me more and notice me more i know i'm asking for alot but i'm just a simple school girl that have a liking for you. Is it not natural to ask for so much? And anyway, i, myself, know all the things i wished for wont actually happen. Just looking at you, i can straight turn pink. Look at me, i'm not smiling? i am a girl, ya know? i blush too, i'm not brave like other girls that can easily talk to the people that they are attracted to. I dont know how you feel about me, i am not you. i dont know how boys will react, i am not a boy. The hopes that i have is slowly shattering away...
XUANLE
SHANNELLORAUWOX.
Today: Pessimistic
Sunday, September 10, 2006
MY BIRTHDAY hehez..
YEAAA TODAY ROCKS MY SOCKS!!.. um i dont want to type the whole day out cause i just now type already but suddenly error so now i lazy type le..
but i will upload today's photos. ((:
yea.. my and the cake. i look weird! damn.. reason? my bro took too long to take the photo = =
SUCH A BIG SLICE OF CAKE.. made me full dao want puke sia..
Group photo!!! kakaka..d=
ALL point to lirui's mouth!! haha.. ehh yangyang why you point me?
CUT deh cake.. WAh.. LIRUI!! take your stinking butt away!!.. *UGH* suffocating dd=
but i will upload today's photos. ((:
yea.. my and the cake. i look weird! damn.. reason? my bro took too long to take the photo = =
SUCH A BIG SLICE OF CAKE.. made me full dao want puke sia..
Group photo!!! kakaka..d=
ALL point to lirui's mouth!! haha.. ehh yangyang why you point me?
CUT deh cake.. WAh.. LIRUI!! take your stinking butt away!!.. *UGH* suffocating dd=
Friday, September 08, 2006
just another -whatever- day
another great day in band we played quite well though we kept repeating. ireland is such a nice song. i'm in love with it once again. today morning i forced myself to wake up. so damn sleepy. then prepare.. then my house clock almost 8.30 le then rush wear my shoes then in the end is my clock fast 15mins.. what the hell sia.. haha. then walk to school. then saw gerald then go to school together. then later then found out band starts at 9 instead of 8.30 then we were all there like 'wah lauu!' haha. but nevermind.. better be early than late.. then go band room set up .. warm up..tone so weak... then slowly get better.. then finally get what mr er wanted, i think. uhh.. anywayss... then we played ireland. at first we dont sound so good. but slowly we getting better. and nice! but the flute and piccolo soli.. stress me x=.. i though is half beat but its one beat. loll.... then not enough breathe! ahh!! then finally got it.. then continued by improving the other parts.. then i suddenly headache..oh my god, blackout! but temporary only.. lucky.. then i still forced myself to play.. headache worsen.. dont care.. just play.. haha. is this called strong or stubborn? hahaa... then go Jurong Entertainment Centre with yaoming, joel, decy, xinyi, howsun and debra.. go eat KFC then go library spend time away.. talk, play, take photo and videos. haha then go home liao.. then talk on bus again.. then go home le...
i received a message that night.. it made me damn happy.. muacks. (=
ps. wattashi wa daisuki da anatta wa desu..=D i like you =X
XuanLe
ShannellOrauwox.
Today: miss you!
i received a message that night.. it made me damn happy.. muacks. (=
ps. wattashi wa daisuki da anatta wa desu..=D i like you =X
XuanLe
ShannellOrauwox.
Today: miss you!
i totally love today. =)
today was-de-best-birthday celebration i ever had! i had a FANTASTIC time at escape theme park. i totally love it. I love you GUYS! i want type the whol day out in detail but scared i no paitience or the com suddenly got prob then need retype.. aiya just say..
i woka up in the morning at 10.25. then rushed to papa shop to help out. then help dao 12+ then go home change, then cannot find clothes to wear.. then wear back same top. then reach bus stop at 1.17. then take bus.. see edmund they all walking at tohguan said hi. [haha, i did say i want to type all in detail. d=] then cheng zhia, gerald and jia xian came up the bus too.. then reach interchange around 1.27 liao. then wait for debra, howsun, xinyi, yaoming, decy and joel. one gang sia.. haha.. then play play..go take mrt. then while boarding the mrt sian mah.. then talk talk.. got few seats available, howsun, decy, xinyi and debra went to sit. then got another 2 seat available, me n lili sit. then listen to lili handphone de songs.. then wah got shuai ge. x= i very seldom see shuai ge de sia.. then all look so foreign.. abit jap jap then abit angmoh.. maybe mix?? haha! d=.. then lili keep 'miao' them. haha. enough with that lets continue. haha then hoh we go take 354 to escape theme park. we all reach there straight go to the bk.. haha.. then cheng zhia, gerald and jia xian want go play already so they went first. then we eat.. eat liao. lili, debra, yaoming, joel and decy all go HUANTED house WAHH i scared then together wait for them with howsun n xin yi.. then howsun n xinyi go tak ferris wheel. wahh call me go, i feel so odd.. haha then wait outside for them both .. then howsun n xinyi came down we take yakult whatever the spelling is. dd= then we take 1 more time to spend away the time while waiting for them to come out.. then go ride the "cup" dont know what the name of the ride called.. FUn lehh. *screams* then they all after that take pepsi.. WAH i die also dont dare go there.then after that we take pirate ship wahh song arr.. but lili, debra n howsun dont want, so they go take wet n wild. wee all the rest play until so fun.. =D then xinyi scream daooooo.. haha... then after that we go play wet n wild. i sit with decy. wahahaaa.. decy slip dao sia. when going down the second slope. then she got all wet. then wanted to play again but no one wants then xinyi or who say gerald sitting alone. so me go join them loh. then gerald want sit with jia xian so me sit with cheng zhia..x= then after wet'nwild we finally whole gang together le. but then spilt again.. cause jiaxian chengzhia n gerald go play pirate ship. then we waited for the others who gone to play wet'nwild. then later we go play the mini roller coaster.. haha. what the hell sia. hair anyhow fly.then after that jia xian call us to play the pirate ship. but then all of them dizzy and felt like puking. so i went alone but later lili dragged joel n yaoming along.. then play wahh.. lili got damn dizzy.. then cheng zhia felt like puking. then joel n yaoming went to play go kart. the jia xian they all join then me n debra play the mini roller coaster again. then got back to lili and xinyi and talk for awhile then go se them play go kart.. still last in line hahaa then after that pei debra go toilet. then we go buy cotton candy.. then go see them playing go kart. cheng zhia first sia. from what i see and heard he 2 time first. wah. then after that me n xinyi went to toilet with debra and lili again cause their hair tio my cotton candy. xx= then me n xin go play pirate ship.. actually me go play pirate ship xinyi WATCH me play pirate ship. then debra n lili play wet'nwild again. haha.this time they ar super wet and they are cold. then hmm this part abit luan so dont discribe much.. then after awhile yaoming, xinyi, howsun and me go play the "cup" ride again. then wah fun sia. we scream still got count how many beat de.. x= then wah i dont think yaoming know. after the ride he squeeze me untill i totally bo space to move sia. haha. then keep de siaoing me also.. haha then take 2 times. cause very very very fun. then take 2 time they need off the rides liao.. so we got off then go change i in the end did not change at all sia.. lazy change.. haha. then we go the dont know what mall and eat.. we spilt again.. 3 go kopitiam the rest go caravan. i went to kopitiam.. the =n we go home sit mrt.. me n lili sit.. howsun and debra sit together xinyi sit alone then the rest all sit in a row... haha. then me super sian cause lili went to sleep.. bangsehing me to go to her dreamland.. so me go join the boys.. haha sit between gerald and yaoming. then chat abit.. then soon reach JE liao... then decy go boon lay then lili go chinese garden.. then cheng zhia go bukit batok. lol sad.. x= then left the tohguaners and me n debra. and gerald.. then me n debra take 333 then gerald take 98 i felt likei bangseh-ed gerald sia.. i can tak 98 de.. \= ahh then take 333 take on round .. haha then me got off 2nd one . then i go home open present. WAH I LOVE THEM THANKS GUYS. then went to bathe and here i am now smiling all the way happy all the way and enjoying today to my fullest. haha. then now i shall end my post here... OH ya by the way i noticed that today is a full moon special right? I TOTALLY TOTALLY LOVE DAISUKI TODAY!!!!!! i will never forget today with this post around.
XuanLe
ShannellOrauwox.
Today:Optimistic
i woka up in the morning at 10.25. then rushed to papa shop to help out. then help dao 12+ then go home change, then cannot find clothes to wear.. then wear back same top. then reach bus stop at 1.17. then take bus.. see edmund they all walking at tohguan said hi. [haha, i did say i want to type all in detail. d=] then cheng zhia, gerald and jia xian came up the bus too.. then reach interchange around 1.27 liao. then wait for debra, howsun, xinyi, yaoming, decy and joel. one gang sia.. haha.. then play play..go take mrt. then while boarding the mrt sian mah.. then talk talk.. got few seats available, howsun, decy, xinyi and debra went to sit. then got another 2 seat available, me n lili sit. then listen to lili handphone de songs.. then wah got shuai ge. x= i very seldom see shuai ge de sia.. then all look so foreign.. abit jap jap then abit angmoh.. maybe mix?? haha! d=.. then lili keep 'miao' them. haha. enough with that lets continue. haha then hoh we go take 354 to escape theme park. we all reach there straight go to the bk.. haha.. then cheng zhia, gerald and jia xian want go play already so they went first. then we eat.. eat liao. lili, debra, yaoming, joel and decy all go HUANTED house WAHH i scared then together wait for them with howsun n xin yi.. then howsun n xinyi go tak ferris wheel. wahh call me go, i feel so odd.. haha then wait outside for them both .. then howsun n xinyi came down we take yakult whatever the spelling is. dd= then we take 1 more time to spend away the time while waiting for them to come out.. then go ride the "cup" dont know what the name of the ride called.. FUn lehh. *screams* then they all after that take pepsi.. WAH i die also dont dare go there.then after that we take pirate ship wahh song arr.. but lili, debra n howsun dont want, so they go take wet n wild. wee all the rest play until so fun.. =D then xinyi scream daooooo.. haha... then after that we go play wet n wild. i sit with decy. wahahaaa.. decy slip dao sia. when going down the second slope. then she got all wet. then wanted to play again but no one wants then xinyi or who say gerald sitting alone. so me go join them loh. then gerald want sit with jia xian so me sit with cheng zhia..x= then after wet'nwild we finally whole gang together le. but then spilt again.. cause jiaxian chengzhia n gerald go play pirate ship. then we waited for the others who gone to play wet'nwild. then later we go play the mini roller coaster.. haha. what the hell sia. hair anyhow fly.then after that jia xian call us to play the pirate ship. but then all of them dizzy and felt like puking. so i went alone but later lili dragged joel n yaoming along.. then play wahh.. lili got damn dizzy.. then cheng zhia felt like puking. then joel n yaoming went to play go kart. the jia xian they all join then me n debra play the mini roller coaster again. then got back to lili and xinyi and talk for awhile then go se them play go kart.. still last in line hahaa then after that pei debra go toilet. then we go buy cotton candy.. then go see them playing go kart. cheng zhia first sia. from what i see and heard he 2 time first. wah. then after that me n xinyi went to toilet with debra and lili again cause their hair tio my cotton candy. xx= then me n xin go play pirate ship.. actually me go play pirate ship xinyi WATCH me play pirate ship. then debra n lili play wet'nwild again. haha.this time they ar super wet and they are cold. then hmm this part abit luan so dont discribe much.. then after awhile yaoming, xinyi, howsun and me go play the "cup" ride again. then wah fun sia. we scream still got count how many beat de.. x= then wah i dont think yaoming know. after the ride he squeeze me untill i totally bo space to move sia. haha. then keep de siaoing me also.. haha then take 2 times. cause very very very fun. then take 2 time they need off the rides liao.. so we got off then go change i in the end did not change at all sia.. lazy change.. haha. then we go the dont know what mall and eat.. we spilt again.. 3 go kopitiam the rest go caravan. i went to kopitiam.. the =n we go home sit mrt.. me n lili sit.. howsun and debra sit together xinyi sit alone then the rest all sit in a row... haha. then me super sian cause lili went to sleep.. bangsehing me to go to her dreamland.. so me go join the boys.. haha sit between gerald and yaoming. then chat abit.. then soon reach JE liao... then decy go boon lay then lili go chinese garden.. then cheng zhia go bukit batok. lol sad.. x= then left the tohguaners and me n debra. and gerald.. then me n debra take 333 then gerald take 98 i felt likei bangseh-ed gerald sia.. i can tak 98 de.. \= ahh then take 333 take on round .. haha then me got off 2nd one . then i go home open present. WAH I LOVE THEM THANKS GUYS. then went to bathe and here i am now smiling all the way happy all the way and enjoying today to my fullest. haha. then now i shall end my post here... OH ya by the way i noticed that today is a full moon special right? I TOTALLY TOTALLY LOVE DAISUKI TODAY!!!!!! i will never forget today with this post around.
XuanLe
ShannellOrauwox.
Today:Optimistic
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
.
XUANLE SUCKS. MY BIRTHDAY AINT ANYTHING SPECIAL. DONT BOTHER CARING ABOUT ME. I SUCKS. TOTALLY SUCKS. EVERYONE HATES ME. FUCKING BASTARD UP THERE, I AM TOTALLY SICK OF LIVING IN THIS FUCKED UP LIFE AND TOTALLY SICK OF BEING PLAYED AROUND BY YOU. I'M SICK OF CRYING. HOW MANY FUCKING DAMN TIME DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY THIS PATHETICALLY?! FUCK YOU! THE REASON OF THIS POST IS TO NOTIFY ALL OF YOU OUT THERE TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP BOTHERING ME.
ANY COMMENTS PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP I DONT NEED YOUR WORTHLESS COMMENTS.
ANY COMMENTS PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP I DONT NEED YOUR WORTHLESS COMMENTS.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
DUMB PUNs HAHa
Several DUMB Puns for ya’ll to enjoy.~ xiang shou bahz~
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead
nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d:
no colours for this post..
SHUT UP. i know i'm lazy bahh.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead
nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d:
no colours for this post..
SHUT UP. i know i'm lazy bahh.
dumb puns haha
Several Puns for ya’ll to enjoy.~ siiii!!
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead
nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d:
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead
nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d:
dumb puns haha
Several Puns for ya’ll to enjoy.~ siiii!!
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead
nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d:
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead
nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d:
Saturday, September 02, 2006
BORED
ok its been a DAMN long time since i updated this long-time no touch spider web infested page. (: hahaha
FIRSTLY to start of this BRAND NEW post ,with everything but spider webs.. d=, is a little dedication from yours sincerely...
MR WOON!! i'm glad our path crossed each other as mr tham said fate really need to help us cross paths.My friends n Myself all will miss you!! Have a safe trip to warwick uni! d=
ok lets have a over look an all the days[with things to write about.] i din update on..
31 september - teacher day celebration & start of holiday
today 2 september!- nothing to DO!
31 September
Teacher days is here!!.. ahh *screams* = -''
haha woke up quite early. forgot what happen in the morning. d=
in class haha we bully mr lee. then blah blah blah~...
AHH DONT FORGET si yuk dat!
my hair band stink like a fucking rotten thing.. = =
then performance. accers day did i spell correctly?
woot caught on camera WTF? stupid punching action @.@ malu~
haha.performance continued
GRAND FINALE By ________
forgot hakim band. lol~~~
then hakim most screams sia. x=
then after performance go watch monster house with gerald n gattison.
lalala. got parts so sudden one scare me. x=
then lol meet debra they all.. then walk walk
then go toh guan plan play bb then in the end did not.. blah blah blah
then go home. tio meh by papa.
= = havoc head ar..= =
ahaha. end of 31 september.
2SEPTEMBER [TODAY]
hmm.. 2nd day of holiday second day of slacking.
i'm tired. i got my com in my room. song bo?!
kakaka. aircon while playing com.
ahh but still bored
practise flute..
OMG damn airy tone must train = = i bo patience leh..
lol waiting for trickster patch finish KIN! KIN!
lol i today really bo patience.
ahh chao da hair lol~!
lol today wash hair liao. will it still be straight?
hahaha i really bo paitience one leh dumb me.
holi just started and i have bo lui liao all fly away to my head
kns.. abit regret hais. but bo bian do jiu do liao mah..d=
thats about all for today bah
cause now 4.14 then later cousin coming SLACK! kakaka.
adios. ((:
FIRSTLY to start of this BRAND NEW post ,with everything but spider webs.. d=, is a little dedication from yours sincerely...
MR WOON!! i'm glad our path crossed each other as mr tham said fate really need to help us cross paths.My friends n Myself all will miss you!! Have a safe trip to warwick uni! d=
ok lets have a over look an all the days[with things to write about.] i din update on..
31 september - teacher day celebration & start of holiday
today 2 september!- nothing to DO!
31 September
Teacher days is here!!.. ahh *screams* = -''
haha woke up quite early. forgot what happen in the morning. d=
in class haha we bully mr lee. then blah blah blah~...
AHH DONT FORGET si yuk dat!
my hair band stink like a fucking rotten thing.. = =
then performance. accers day did i spell correctly?
woot caught on camera WTF? stupid punching action @.@ malu~
haha.performance continued
GRAND FINALE By ________
forgot hakim band. lol~~~
then hakim most screams sia. x=
then after performance go watch monster house with gerald n gattison.
lalala. got parts so sudden one scare me. x=
then lol meet debra they all.. then walk walk
then go toh guan plan play bb then in the end did not.. blah blah blah
then go home. tio meh by papa.
= = havoc head ar..= =
ahaha. end of 31 september.
2SEPTEMBER [TODAY]
hmm.. 2nd day of holiday second day of slacking.
i'm tired. i got my com in my room. song bo?!
kakaka. aircon while playing com.
ahh but still bored
practise flute..
OMG damn airy tone must train = = i bo patience leh..
lol waiting for trickster patch finish KIN! KIN!
lol i today really bo patience.
ahh chao da hair lol~!
lol today wash hair liao. will it still be straight?
hahaha i really bo paitience one leh dumb me.
holi just started and i have bo lui liao all fly away to my head
kns.. abit regret hais. but bo bian do jiu do liao mah..d=
thats about all for today bah
cause now 4.14 then later cousin coming SLACK! kakaka.
adios. ((:
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Samsung Soul U900.
long ear piece.