dumb puns haha

Several Puns for ya’ll to enjoy.~ siiii!!


What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.

A good pun is its own reword

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".

At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'

Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh

Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it foldedI used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!

It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.Old actors never die, they just drop apart.Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.Old cashiers never die, they just check out.Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.Old garagemen never die, they just retire.Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Old investors never die, they just roll over.Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....Old musicians never die, they just get played out.Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.Old policemen never die, they just cop out.Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....Old printers never die, they're just not the type.Old professors never die, they just lose their class.Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.Old students never die, they just get degraded.Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."

Shotgun marriage a case of wife or dead

nah after so long you still don’t get any right? SUCKERS d: